Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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