First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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