dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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