Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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