Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
