awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
