I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
