I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
