She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
