please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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