Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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