Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
