im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
