Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
