Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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