I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
