i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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