goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
