Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
