i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks