oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
