I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?