I chose taco bell over sex...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news