She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
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I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
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He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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