Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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