Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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