You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just tell him i said nine months
zippers are such a cool invention
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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