So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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