i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
