I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
