The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Sext me about skeletons
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
