I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
