Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Blood and glitter go together right?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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