fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
