Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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