Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
