i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
