i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
