I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
