I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
