It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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