i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
