he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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