i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
