Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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