That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
