So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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