Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
