He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
