Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
