he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
