it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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