is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
