He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
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My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
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that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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