I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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