I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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