WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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