Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
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I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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