You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He shit in the fireplace
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
