Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
