i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
