Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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