she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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