How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
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I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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