I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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