Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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