I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
