I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
