I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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